Friday, 16 January 2015

Five signs you've watched too much Cbeebies...

It struck me today that my knowledge about the Cbeebies schedule, and the programmes themselves, is far too detailed to be healthy. Of course, we all start out with the 'I won't rely on the television to entertain my child' theory but, let's be honest, we all know that goes straight out of the window when certain things need to be done. 


If you do any (or all - there's no shame here) of these, it's a sign that it's at least time to switch channels, if not switch off completely. If you're anything like me, you're in danger of committing a murder (link presenters - I'm looking at you). I do think, though, that you'd get off on humanitarian grounds. Any judge that has children would understand.

1. Tell the time by the programme is currently playing 
(NOTE this won't work if you've paused the live programming to dress/argue/reason with your child)
If all the kids are dressed by the time Dinopaws starts, I know I'm on schedule. If, however, we're nearing the end of Dinopaws, I know it's likely I'm missing my train. That irritating character that continually repeats 'I know, I know, I know' only to reveal he/she (who knows?) does not, in fact, 'know' is a surefire sign of a bad day that's only getting worse.

2. Argue with Postman Pat
First off, what on earth happened to this programme? Since when did Pat have a wife and child? When did it all get so ridiculously politically correct? Why does everybody think he's the best postman ever when, in fact, he cocks up the one delivery he has to do and is always late? Why does he only ever have one thing to deliver? Clearly, Amazon has not yet reached Greendale. And what the bloody hell is Special Delivery Service? Ben needs to be a bit more organised with his mail sorting. Don't start me on Jess. 

3. Start using catchphrases from programmes with adults - especially ones that don't have children
This is particularly true in the workplace. Apparently, most adults are already aware that 'scissors are sharp'. Thank you, Mr. Maker. Also, while we're at it, do not refer to glue as gloopy glue. People will look at you like you're mad. The sad fact is, you are. But we can maintain an impenetrable facade if we try hard enough. 

4. You can answer questions about the plot lines of the programmes. And you know if you've seen said episode before.
Mr. M. is particularly good at tuning out these programmes - and to be honest, he doesn't know one programme from another. I, however, inwardly sigh when I realise I've already seen this episode of the Octonauts 14 times. Not actually one of the worst offenders, I've found that Shellington really does start to grate after a while. Probably his 'know all' scientist status while not quite being in the real world that does it. And PS Kwazii - you're not a pirate. Deal with it. 

5. You spot actors from the programmes in normal grown-up programmes - and can name them
Just to take a random example, plucked completely out of the air: what the bloody hell is Topsy and Tim's mum doing in Eastenders? Surely this is not appropriate. Not content ruining my days with the over-the-top perfectness, now she has to intrude on evening television too? And, by the way, I don't even watch Eastenders - so that's even worse. There literally is no escape. 

Who knows what delights await on CBBC? But I bet if Ed the Duck is on there, it's a politically correct, way more irritating version. I look forward to it. 

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